Prospecting

Today I sent off what I hope will prove to be my first usable draft of my dissertation prospectus.  Truly a terrifying thing to do - especially since the draft prior to this one didn't really go over too well.  The problem with caring enough to write a dissertation about something is how completely invested you become in every morsel you put on the page.  There's the stuff I know is terrible, the stuff I know is great, the stuff I hope is great, the stuff I cross my fingers and wish will somehow be the magical connector between this toothpick and that wad of bubble gum.  And none of it comes easily.  Or maybe some of it does, but then I have to overthink it and unmake whatever bit of ease there may have been.  It's an ugly journey, getting a doctorate. When other people ask if they should get a PhD, I laugh and tell them only those who are a special kind of stupid take this particular road... but it's true.  There's a kind of stupid reserved especially for smart people.  And it's the stupid that leads you to pursue a doctorate and take comprehensive exams and diagnostic exams and qualifying exams, and to write a dissertation... so yes... I am that special kind of stupid.  So I sit in front of my computer, surrounded by my books, hoping that their mere proximity will send the information seeping into my pours... knowing that another book is coming in the mail tomorrow.  And I blog... maybe as therapy, maybe as narcissism, maybe as an antidote to boredom...and I wonder...

Why didn't I buy that wine while I was out yesterday?

<sigh>